I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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