I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
