so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
