I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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