she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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