Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
