I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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