Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
