a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
