I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
