So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
