I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
