He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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