I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Boobs are out for the taking
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
