I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
