If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
