there was a trapeze. enough said
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
