it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
