omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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