1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
