I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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