Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
