she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
