Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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