I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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