i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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