Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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