All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
