I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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