At least make sure they are 18
Why
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
