Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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