You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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