from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
