How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
