My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
