So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
