So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
