I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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