I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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