they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
