New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
