When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
