just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
