Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
