apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
