well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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