I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
