I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
