everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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