why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
