she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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